Short Shorts for Seniors

From the Play

STANLEY & STELLA  (A Comedy in about 10 Minutes)

STANLEY
STELLA
WAITER

THE SCENE:

Setting is abstract—only to depict areas. Offstage we hear STANLEY’s voice, ala Marlon Brando in STREETCAR bellowing, “Stell- Lahh!  Stell- Lahh.  STANLEY enters.  He’s nearing middle age, hugely overweight, possibly with pillow stuffings.  Waddles when he walks.  But tonight he’s dressed up special.  Wears garish suit jacket, colorful tie, and whatever makes him look like a has-been slob.  Stands at foot of stairs, calling up.

STANLEY:  Stell- Lahhh!  Stell- Lahhh!  I want my baby down here!  I want my baby with me.  (More pleading-like.)  Stell- Lahh.
STELLA:  (From above.  She has a rather high pitched, squeaky voice.)  One minute already, Stanley.  I’ll be down in a jiffy.  Making myself look extra special for tonight.

(STANLEY paces, repeating words as if he’s is  acting in play– “Eunice– I want my baby– I want my baby–  Stellahh–  Stellah.”

STELLA comes prancing down the stairs.  She’s as overweight as he is, fancily and gaudily dressed.  Lots of jewelry, makeup–She glitters.  Tottering high heels, maybe even a small hat, or silky scarf flowing around her neck.)

STELLA:  Here I am Stanley—Your baby’s all here.

(He grabs her and twirls her around as best he can.)

STANLEY:  Is my Stella Baby, ready for the big night on the town?
STELLA:  (Tiger growl.) Ready as I’ll ever be—
STANLEY:  This is gonna be a night like no other night, I’m telling ya.  I promise ya.
STELLA:  I know—I can feel it in the air already.  And, I wore my special Passion perfume– the one you bought from that street seller—our trip to Chicago.
STANLEY:  He swore it was the gen-u-ine thing.  Nothing but the best for my  baby doll.
STELLA:  Who’da thought— Twenty five years.
STANLEY:  Yeah, who’da thought—
STELLA:  So, here we are, ready to go for another twenty five.
(Does a little hip twirl.  With a burlesque beat.)
Da, da, da, da, da, dah!
STANLEY:  And—later—Later do I have a big surprise for you!
STELLA:  Oooh, I can hardly wait.  I hope you don’t mind, Stanley, I didn’t wear my gut girdle tonight—it just—well, it just wouldn’t go on anymore—

(Laughs hilariously, holding her gut.)

STANLEY:  Aagh, you still look good to me. (Pinches her.)  And feel good too.
STELLA:  Cause there’s more of me to feel.  (Giggles.)
STANLEY:  Hey, I thought we’d walk to Pachinsky’s Bar—save gas.
STELLA:  Can always use a little extra exercise—can’t we.  (Giggles.)
STANLEY:  Later—we’ll have some really special exercise.
STELLA:  So, let’s be on our way—I’m so hungry I could eat—
STELLA & STANLEY:  A whole whale of a whale. (Both laugh hilariously, as they’re in a giddy mood.  Ala Wizard of Oz.)  “We’re off to eat the fishes—da da da da da dah!”

SUNSET ZOO

CAST
CLETUS
ALPHONSUS
ISIDORE
WINIFRED

SETTING:  Night time in the Day Room of the Sunset Old Age Home. Everyone here is over 80 years of  age—so is the place. Four chairs in semi-circle.

NOTES:  Costuming is variable, whatever available to depict old age and eccentricity.  The characters are not caricatures, except maybe Winifred, in her attire and demeanor.  All animals are imaginary—imaginary ropes or chains to hang onto them.

AT RISE:  In darkness we hear hacking and coughing that gets nearer and nearer. CLETUS Enters with a small candle, or flashlight.  Wears old robe, maybe a baseball cap.  His back is bent, he is constantly coughing and   hacking.  Guides in a big gorilla on a chain.

CLETUS: There, there Sampson.  You just be a good boy tonight.  Cause there’s a big surprise for you—later.
(Blows out candle, turns on light and settles Sampson.)
And then, tomorrow, tomorrow, I’ll take you outside, and let you swing from the big willow tree.  You like that boy, don’t you.
(Gives out a Tarzan gorrilla cry, then coughs repeatedly. Pets Sampson, then sits in exhaustion, but always alert he has the   animal to care for.)
Oh, oh, here comes that Alphonsus—and his terrible tiger, Trigger!  Don’t you let that Trigger scare you Sampson.  His growl is bigger than his buggy bite. (Coughs.)  Aagh, he’s getting old too—all his teeth falling out, losing his hair too.  Well, you see, animals need an old folks home sometimes too, someone to look after them.  Just like us.   (Coughs.)

(ALPHONSUS enters in robe, tugging his tiger behind him, trying to keep the   animal  calm.  He pushes a chair ahead of him, using it as a walker.   Has the shakes and tries to slap his arm calm, while also keeping the tiger in line.  As he enters.)

ALPHONSUS:  Cletus!  You done taking that moth eaten Sampson out for his nightly pee, so he don’t wet up the Day Room, like he always does.  Puddles all over.
CLETUS:  Hey, Sampson here’s better potty trained than that mongrol tiger of yours.  Yeah, that Trigger’d probably make a better rug than pet, cause all the pep’s gone clear out of him.  And he shakes so bad, I get
CLETUS (contd):  dizzy watching his stripes jumping around.  You just keep him away from Sampson, or he’ll end up a piece of striped tough old raw meat!
ALPHONSUS: Hell, Trigger’s so wild, can hardly let him out of his cage no more.  You should see him go after those young candy stripers—Anything in stripes, really starts his motor running.  Yep, he’s still got it in him.  His balls are still rolling.
CLETUS:  You think we can do it tonight?
ALPHONSUS: We better.  We been promising the animals all week.

(ISADORE enters.  He’s bigger than the others, always short of breath and has a hard time  breathing.  Huffs and puffs as he leads in his elephant.)

ISADORE  Come on Jumbo.  Don’t let those mangy flea bitten animals in there scare you.  You’re bigger than them.  Smarter too.  An being old ain’t nothing for a tough old elephant like you.   Oooh– don’t bellow so loud– you’ll wake up that sleeping security guard.
(Huffs and sits after parading Jumbo around.)
Jumbo was telling me bout his days at the Circus again—that’s why I’m so late.  And then, it’s always a little tougher getting him through the doors and up those stairs.  Have to stop and rest lots lately.