Royal Tea

From the Play

CINDERELLA
Testy today, aren’t we, Little Red Riding Hood? Here, you need something to sweeten your disposition.

(CINDERELLA sprinkles a sugar packet on LRR. AURORA snores loudly.)

WINIFRED
(Tapping glass)
Ladies, ladies.
(Clearing throat)
May I continue? I have very bad news, remember? (beat, taking a deep breath) Our Fairy Godmother—

CINDERELLA
–has died?

WINIFRED
NO!

GOLDILOCKS
Was she eaten by a bear?

WINIFRED
NO!

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
It was wolf!

WINIFRED
NO!

CINDERELLA
It was a poisoned apple, wasn’t it? Snow White knows all about those.

WINIFRED
ABSOLUTELY NOT!
(beat, calming everyone, taking a breath)
Our fairy godmother . . . is retiring.

(There are sighs of shock. AURORA snores.)

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Wait a minute. Retiring
(with a disgusted face gesturing to Sleeping Beauty)
like our own Sleeping Beauty here . . . or retiring like “Sayonara, I’m outta here!”

WINIFRED
Our beloved Fairy Godmother is getting older. She’s tired. Says it’s time for a change. She just can’t drop everything and come to our rescue whenever we need her anymore. Especially if she’s in the middle of her Zumba class.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Rather selfish of the F-G, don’t you think? Not that I need her. In fact I’m better off without her.

CINDERELLA
Without our Fairy Godmother?
(opening another sugar packet and sprinkling it)
How can you be so sour?

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Just as I was ready to karate chop the Big Bad Wolf in MY story, in comes a big, strong, hunk of a man to get the glory instead of me. The F-G sent him. Like I couldn’t handle the wolf myself. Makes me bitter. I for one think it’s time for the F-G to go!

(AURORA snores.)

WINIFRED
Now, now. Little Red, we should get better, not bitter. We have lots of little girls to inspire.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
When did you turn into Dr. Phil?

CINDERELLA
Whatever will we do without Fairy Godmother’s magic?

RAPUNZEL
She can’t retire. Like, hasn’t she heard the word “vacation” already. Take a break and come back. Some of us, like, still need her help.
(Pulling off her cap)
Just look at my hair!

GOLDILOCKS
(Breathlessly & sexy)
Aurora’s hair is too long. Rapunzel’s hair is too short. (Smugly) Thank goodness some of us in fairytale land have hair that is just right.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
(Mocking)
Thank goodness some of us in fairytale land have hair that is just right.

(LRR puts finger in mouth to gag.)

(AURORA snores.)

WINIFRED
Order! Ladies, I called this meeting to discuss the ramifications of Fairy Godmother’s retirement. We have to be realistic. And Cinderella raised a very good question. What do we do without Fairy Godmother’s magic?

CINDERELLA
Where will I get my clothes? Fairy Godmother would wave her wand and presto, I had a new gown, with matching accessories. I didn’t have to worry about jewelry or tiaras. Thank goodness I still have glass slippers that go with EVERYTHING!

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
(Mocking)
Thank goodness I have glass slippers that go with everything! HELLO! Cinderella, there ARE more important issues than how to accessorize!

WINIFRED
(Sternly)
Ladies!
(Regaining composure)
What I am about to say will no doubt be unpopular. But I have given her retirement a great deal of thought and . . . I have come to a startling revelation. I think we all lead rather self-centered lives.

(There are gasps of astonishment from all but LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD, who stands and applauds.)

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
(Standing and applauding)
Finally! Someone admits the shallowness of many fairy tale women and the absurdity of some of the stories. Will this be on You-Tube, ‘cause I want proof!

WINIFRED
(Giving LRRH a nod, continuing)
I for one am rather tired thinking only of what to wear at the next royal ball or planning the menu for some elegant state dinner.

(ALL but LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD buzz in disagreement.)

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
You Go, Girl!

RAPUNZEL
So, like, what are you proposing, Princess Winifred?

WINIFRED
(Swallowing)
I propose we go to college . . . learn a skill . . . get a job . . . pursue a career.