From the Play
Play Excerpt: Characters:
The Bride: Fannabelle Rafferty Sutherland, ‘Fanny’ age l9- 25 very pretty. Going to grow up someday to be just like her mother. Loves animals, works in one of her fathers offices.
The Groom; Mansfield Winestein Lipschtik, ‘Manny’, age l9-25
attractive, typical. Going to grow up someday to be just like his mother. Works in one of his fathers businesses.
THE Wedding Party:
Maid Of Honor: Adoralee Crystal Sutherland,(age 22-28) sister to the Bride, also, newly named ‘Miss Scuppernong, l990’. She is the perfect pageant princess. Stays glued to
the Best Man.
First Bridesmaid; Carmel Taffeta Lipschtik, ‘Taffy’ younger
sister, (age l7-20) of the groom, 7 months pregnant by her
boyfriend, Wiley Ramsey. Just like her father.
Second Bridesmaid: Corey Lynne Valentine, (Age l9-25), very
full figure, best friend of the bride from work. Also a honky-tonk dancer part time.
Best Man: Benjamin Stockley Sherwood, ‘B.S.’ Groom’s best friend from College, (age l9-25), band leader. Very attracted to Adoralee.
First Groomsman; Skeeter Twain Sutherland, (age 26-30) ‘Skeet’ older brother to the bride. ‘Down-home’ local turkey and hog farmer. Very much the geek. Takes after his Uncle Leenis.
Second Groomsman: Eustice Errol Webley, ‘E.E.’ Groom’s cousin from New York. Photographer from ‘Dick’ Magazine.
Has volunteered to do the photos for the wedding.
Mother Of The Bride; Joleen Rafferty Sutherland, (age 45-48)
Very typically strong willed Southern Mama. Feels she has the right to be in complete control of the details of the wedding and reception and everyone else’s lives.
Father Of The Bride: Chester Woodard Sutherland, (age 45-48) A good ole boy from the rural South. Definitely doesn’t understand racial or religious complexities. He’s happy to
let Mama be the boss. He is mainly interested in simple
farming and drinking.
Reverend Leenis Slade Rafferty; Bride’s Mama’s Brother. A
minister in a questionable, off-beat Church. He is an energetic, zealous, ex-Hippie, ex-right winger, ex- everything. He has volunteered to do the Christian ceremony.
Mother Of The Groom; Athalia Winestein Lipschtik, (age 45- 52) very well-groomed, appearance conscious lady. Divorced
from Lipschtik, but receiving plenty of alimony and child support to keep her Lover, Leonard, in style. She lives in Miami with her daughter, Taffy.
Father Of The Groom; Milo Mansfield Lipschtik, (age 55-65)
wealthy, quiet, typically suffering ex-husband. Still lets
his mother run his life.
Grandmother; Mrs. Edna Vest Lipschtik, (age 78-88) Very elderly, very conservative, bossy, slightly senile, eccentric ‘Grannie’ of the Groom. Still runs everyone’s life.
Groom’s Mother’s Boyfriend; Leonard Quimby, Age 28-38, an agent and musician in Miami. Miami-vice styled womanizer.
Odette Osgood, Ms. Of Ceremonies. Employee of the banquet/ catering. Bossy, elegant, hospitable, snotty,
Knows he/she has complete control of the details of the wedding and reception, despite what the Bride, Groom, or
‘Mama’ might think. Best played by a female impersonator.
Rabbi Sidney Goldwin; Part-time Rabbi and part time head waiter with the catering establishment. Former brother in law of Odette.
Deejay; Wiley Ramsey, (age 20-26) a completely punked-out
not very competent musician, boyfriend of Taffy and father
of the child she’s carrying.
Facility should be set up with one area for the wedding chapel, containing an altar, a chupah and as many seats as in the dining room. There should be a piano or portable organ, as well as a sound system. The dining room should contain a gift table laden with various hilarious gifts, a cake table, a head table for the bridal party and seating for all the guests. There must be a bandstand and dance floor. At the beginning of the evening, the buffet table contains ‘oevres and salad bar. During the ceremony, the buffet changes to dinner.
Mama: (to one of the guests.) Hey, Mary Lou! You look stunnin, darling! Is that your new husband? Hi! (Back to Chester perusing the menu) Now, lets see, hmmm, it says Kosher Franks
Chester: (helping himself to a few.) Must be these here weenies in a rug.
Mama: going on…Says ham biscuits.
Chester: What! Grabbing the menu and looking at it It don’t say Sutherland’s own Home Growed? I told that Osgood I wanted advertising! With what I’m paying here I ought to be getting banners and a lobby display too!
Mama: (trying to soothe)…Now, Honey, I’m sure this is our own hog on Aunt Jane’s baking powder biscuits. This hotel caterer will do everything we asked. Looking at the table. Say, I don’t see my jowl fritters with crabapple jam.
Chester: (shouting across to Odette.) Hey, Osgood, where’s all the stuff we ordered?
Emcee: (rushing over to save embarassment) Goodness, your family recipe hors d’oevres must be all gone. How delicious they must have been.
Chester: (his mouth full.) Ummmm. These must be Rocky Mountain Oysters that Adoralee wanted.
Emcee: (looking nauseated)..Those are chicken livers. Your, ahem, oysters seem to be all gone, Mr. Sutherland.
Chester: Shucks! All the good stuffs gone. He loads a bunch of meatballs on a plate. These hot skidballs look awful good though. I can make me a meal outa these.
Emcee: (as if talking to a baby.) My dear Mr. Sutherland, the wedding party and families eat after the ceremony. I’m glad you like the meatballs. I hope you save some for your guests. She huffs off, nearly colliding with corey lynne.
Corey Lynne: (Rushing in from the dressing room.) Mrs. Sutherland, Mrs.Sutherland. Oh, oh, wait a minute. She leaves the sutherlands standing there while she rushes over to a guest. Hey, Mr._____________ (use a real name from the guests) I wanted to let you know I won’t be able to dance for you at your lodge next weekend for that business meeting, Sir. My boyfriend is taking me to Atlantic City.
Mama: (Moving chester away from the food.) Honey, would you mind moving that gift table to a more obvious, I mean convenient place for our guests? I don’t want anyone to forget to leave their presents.
Corey Lynne: (To Mama) Mrs Sutherland, quick. Fanny needs something blue. And, it has to be borrowed.
Mama: Why, Corey Lynne, Child, whatever do you mean?
Corey Lynne: It’s bad luck for the bride if she doesn’t have something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Fanny’s got Milo’s Grandmother’s pearls, and her brand-new push-up bra. We can’t think of anything for borrowed or blue.
Adoralee: (Entering, wearing her pageant ribbon and crown. E.E., the photographer, and B.S. The best man also enter. These two spend a lot of time following adoralee around. She is also heavily southern. It’s OK, Mama, and Corey Lynne. We found just the right thing. Borrowed and blue. Mama And Corey Lynne Simultaneously: What?!
Adoralee: (she holds up a huge pair of blue panties.) These are Taffy’s . She says Fanny can borrow them. Gee, we might need to find a pin…..
Corey Lynne : Oh no!
Corey Lynne: Is Taffy going to wear Fanny’s panties?